I should add contortionist to my resume. You know those hysterical images of desperate parents lying in their child’s crib? You wonder how they get in there and laugh because the child is sprawled out in the tiny space while an adult is curled up around them in an unnatural position. That’s me and it’s already been me three times tonight (and it’s not yet 1am). I’ve been meaning to email the crib manufacturer and let them know they can increase the weight limit on the crib’s fact sheet.
The little one has recently had her fifth ear infection of the season.  I’m fairly positive that she’s working on number six right now as it’s been one sleepless night after the next (the latest reason for my crib co-sleeping). She’s been tossing and turning, waking up crying and seemingly in pain all throughout the night.  While it scares me to imagine her having surgery, she’s exhibiting the same exact behavior as the big girl did before she got tubes in her ears and her adenoid removed last year.  Now, my big one (who had never slept a full night prior to her surgery) is a great sleeper.  That procedure made all the difference for her and my husband and I hope it will help the little one, too.  We will get the expert opinion next week when she has her consultation with the ENT.
Herein lies my internal conflict, as always, between what’s best for her, what’s best for us, and the unknown.  The sceptic in me wonders if the doctor will say she’s in a gray area (as he did with the older one) and advise us to give it a shot, but without saying she definitely needs it.  I abhor gray areas. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were only black and white certainties in life?  It seems drastic to say, “Sure, doc, let’s try it and put our 20 month old under anesthesia, under the knife, and have her endure the recovery and potential complications just so we can all sleep and so she doesn’t have to take antibiotics every two weeks?”  It feels selfish on some level. (Mom-guilt, will you ever just let me be?)  I know that she needs her sleep to function and thrive, grow and learn.  She’s so smart and has a great temperament even on such little slumber that it’s hard to tell if it’s truly holding her back, behaviorally or developmentally.  I know that it’s holding me back though.
I’d like to think that if she started sleeping through the night, that I would be a better Mom.  A more energetic, fun, patient person who would be more productive, more interesting, more creative… just more.   My husband and I both suffered from frequent ear infections as kids. Our big girl obviously did too. Immature eustacian tubes is a genetic thing (like everything else, it seems). I wish we knew that there would be a nearly 90% chance that the little one would not suffer from ear infections anymore if she has this surgical procedure.  That would make it a no-brainer like it was when we got my BRCA1 results.  I knew that the double mastectomy was my best bet.  Are tubes and an adenoidectomy her best bet?  Will they get her off the many antibiotics she’s had to take over and over?  Will they ensure her hearing is at an optimal level?  Will she sleep through the mother-fucking night for the first time in her life?  Is it cloudy outside?  Where’s my lucky star?  I have a wish to make!

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