Marking Milestones

Throughout my life, I have tried to mark as many milestones as possible in the most meaningful ways. Making mental notes of my feelings, I have catalogued important moments with snapshots of my senses. It’s a good thing I have an almost photographic memory and fairly good recall for sounds, tastes, smells, etc.
Today is the day of my second surgery in this long process. I tried to make the most of yesterday, spending time with my girls and making it light and fun. The big girl seems excited to start “taking care of Mommy”. After all, it means putting blankets on me, singing to me and reading me books (it seems Thumper’s Summer Day is her book of choice. Bunnies are everything to 3 year olds around Easter). Best of all, Daddy will be home for an extra day and Nanny and PopPop are having sleepovers here. What could be bad about all of that? For the little one, I’m more concerned. She has not been sleeping well (understatement of the century) and only wants me. She’s nursing an ear infection and she had a major tumble today (it certainly freaked me out more than it did her). I’m sad that I won’t be able to cuddle her when she cries for me in the middle of the night. The irony isn’t lost on me. This is the very thing that has been annoying me for the past several weeks when I haven’t gotten more than 2 hours of continuous sleep. However, tonight every time I pick her up, I wistfully think “this is my last snuggle for a while”. When I put the big girl to bed, I felt the same way.
I know I felt this before the first surgery too, it didn’t do me any good last time either. So, I have consciously tried to stop myself from making memories of these emotions. This isn’t what I want to remember of this milestone. Instead of wistful melancholy, I’m going to wipe that away and replace it with the joy of a lighter load. Both mentally, knowing that I’ve eliminated the risk of breast cancer that was nearly a certainty, but also literally, I can’t wait to feel my new boobs! These weights shall both be lifted in just a few hours.

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