Deja Vu

We had a great weekend. Finally, the sun was shining, so we took a walk outside with the little ones all bundled up in the stroller.  It felt great to be out in the fresh air and enjoy some exercise. Gosh, we were just the vision of health and happiness.  (Of course, no one watching knew that we were going to get bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches at the deli and coffee so light with half and half it may as well have been melted ice cream).
While we were walking I started feeling nostalgic, remembering how I felt right before the last surgery.  You know how a certain smell, taste or sight can trigger the same emotion that you’ve felt before?  It’s like deja vu for the heart.  It was a sinking feeling, but also a grateful one.  It is hard to imagine that in just a few days, I’m going to willingly go under the knife while being totally healthy.  Not many get to enjoy that opportunity.
It’s as unsettling as it is reassuring. I have to keep reminding myself that this odd feeling of being totally healthy and in a few days being almost totally helpless comes with many perks (and perky boobs, of course).  I feel fine, I’m not a sick person who needs surgery, I choose to do this. This is just one of the necessary steps in this long process to remain healthy and breast cancer free. It is also the welcome break that I’ve been looking forward to.  All of the sleep, the relaxation, the chance to catch up on TV, books, magazines, etc, the meals I won’t have to cook, the diapers I won’t have to change.  I have to stop dwelling on the things I will miss (picking up the girls, having our alone time together, snuggling with them and my husband).  Those luxuries will be back in the blink of an eye and I will be bitching once again that the little one is waking up in the middle of the night and it’s my turn to get her.  (No, really, she just woke up again! Oy! Happy Passover Little One! I’m pretty sure those Jews got to sleep longer than I do and they were fleeing the Pharoah!).  I’m going to try to see this is as an opportunity for more pre-op cuddling and remember how fortunate I am.  I am healthy and have the choice to do this. This, like freedom, is not something to be taken for granted.

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