Be Bold

Dear Kohler Product Development,
You’re welcome!
It is high time you moved beyond just looking bold, I want you to be bold. It is with much exhaustion, some exacerbation and a dash of excitement that I present to you the following new bathtub design. A product for parents. The same group of dumbasses who allow their children to go in bouncy castles and on trampolines. We all know that they’re not safe, but our kids love them. They love them right up until they hate them after some other kid thinks he’s Flying Toddler, Hidden Poopy and head butts another kid in mid-air. We still let them in because for a little while, they occupy themselves. And that, my friends, is worth its weight in gold.
Speaking of gold, these idiots will buy anything, which leads me to the bathtub. Isn’t it great to watch all your kids play in the bath together, good, clean sibling fun until the appropriate age (before it gets creepy)? They’re happy, carefree and getting clean until one of them gets the face. There is no mistaking that expression: face reddening, eyes tearing, and perhaps a little grunting. You know what’s coming and it’s not a Baby Ruth bar this time. It is the real deal. Junior has contaminated the water-filled fun. That’s where the Kohler Super Duper Pooper comes in (name is negotiable). This beaut senses the turd burglar and immediately flushes the water from the tub with great efficiency and speed all while showering the kiddies with clean, warm water to rinse off the fecal contamination. They don’t get cold while the jets spray them gently from above and below (think bidet for bebe). When the sensors have detected there is no longer any trace of feces remaining, warm water again fills the tub and the kids are decontaminated and joyful once more.
Indeed, we have had bonding time in the family shower after the Chinese fire drills that involve me stripping as fast as I can while getting the big girl out of the poop water and in the shower and then throwing myself and the baby in to join her. It’s not as much fun as it sounds, but we’ve laughed it off and made the best of it. Thanks to all the nakedness we now think I’m part zebra (my big girl thinks my scars look like stripes and tried to say I was a tiger, but I’m trying to project a softer image these days, less roaring). I’m making an effort to improve my image, Kohler, and you should too. So why not start with the Super Duper Pooper, the bathtub for parents? It’s a bold move, but then again, so is dropping a deuce in the tub. If a toddler can be bold, you can too!!
Thanks for your consideration,
The Zealous Zebra

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