Green Grass

You know I don’t like to focus on the negative, especially since I am so grateful for having reduced my risk of breast cancer from almost 90% to less than 1%. However, the last few days have been decidedly more difficult than the initial two weeks post-op. And not in the way I had expected.
I am particularly frustrated by the emotional aspects of recovering with children who are so young. They still need me for so much. And I want to be the one to do everything for them. Sure, I haven’t minded giving up diaper duty or cooking every meal and all the loads of laundry. But those are just the mundane details of our days together. They aren’t the things that matter most.
I want to pick them up when they cry at night or when they fall and get hurt. I want to rock the baby to sleep and give her a bottle without worrying she’s going to either hurt me by accident or hurt herself by falling from wherever we are sitting because I can’t physically hold her. I want to be able to swing my big girl around and hold her hands when she asks me to dance with her. These are the pains that Tylenol doesn’t mask.
It was easy the first few days back home when the narcotics and physical limitations left me lounging in my bedroom all day. But now that I’m up and at ’em, participating in (not leading) the everyday routines, the lack of control and independence has me feeling like a drug addict jonesing for a fix. Twitchy and helpless is my new normal. Trying not to micromanage everyone around me while they do my job for me…well, it sucks for everyone. I’m the bitch and can barely help myself. Man, what kind of boss would I be if I ever had such responsibility outside of the home? I can’t imagine I could ever care about a job as much as this one. I am COO of the household and my employees are probably at the coffee machine saying, “it’s only a matter of time before we bust outta here and get to retire”. I suppose it’s the same no matter where you are in life. You want a break from your everyday and when you get it, it’s often not that great after all. The grass is always greener.

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