Keeping It Real

Ready for the doom and gloom? (sorry Mom, this one’s definitely not for you. Look away. Look away.). I’d be fake if I didn’t address the not so cheerful aspects of what’s about to happen. As I am now into single digits on my countdown, the ugly face of fear is staring me down like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. (Why does it always seem like he can see through the tv screen and straight into my nightmares?)
Now that I feel somewhat secure in the routine I’ve established for the girls and that their support team is ready and waiting, there’s time to dawn on the dread: what if I die? What if something goes wrong and I’m left in a vegetative state? These are the unlikely catastrophic events that could occur. As I’m trying to eliminate the risk of cancer, I am indeed putting myself at risk for other unforeseen complications. Choosing the best team of surgeons, staying away from drugs and alcohol, and following pre-op directions gives me the best chance to mitigate the risks, but shit happens. As I said to my husband last night, “if shit didn’t happen, we wouldn’t be here in the first place”.
There are so many things in life that are out of our control. So many factors that are unpredictable. Maybe that is my true fear? Lack of control. I guess I always knew I was a control freak, but this experience is forcing me to gain introspection I kind of wanted to avoid. I’m uncomfortable knowing that so much is in fate’s hand. Perhaps I’m just scared to see the road ahead from the passenger’s seat. I so long to be the driver.

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