By bedtime, I’ve hit a wall. I’m not so secretly hoping that the girls have hit theirs too. It’s a delicate balance of who to put where while one is bathed or the other goes to bed. I’m not sure I could do it without the iPad (admittedly, that’s kind of pathetic). I’m so utterly exhausted when the clock strikes 8 that I’m just wanting to tell the girls, “just go to bed already”. (ok, there might be an expletive added in my inner monologue version sometimes).
I’ve mentioned maybe in a few instances that our kids are not sleepers. I wasn’t either and in my overly empathetic way, I have likely hindered them. So I rock them a little too long and usually stay until they’re asleep. Not my brightest parenting maneuver, but in the past few weeks I’ve been thinking I should enjoy these moments with them. I won’t be putting them to bed for a while post-op.
The little one still snuggles into my breast to be rocked to sleep. I’m trying to stay in the now and download the feeling of her warm head resting just below my collarbone. I know she can hear my heartbeat like she did in the womb only a year ago. I know she will still hear it after surgery, but will I feel her there? I won’t have a nipple for a while and certainly I am aware that all the sensation I have been lucky to have will be gone forever, but how far will the lack of sensation spread? Will the nerve endings be damaged all the way up the curve of my new breasts?
It’s funny how much pain I was in when I was breast feeding. I was told by a breast surgeon when the little one was two weeks old that I had “traumatized nipples”. I powered through it because I wanted to give her what was naturally made for her. These basic biological gifts that nature has bestowed are sometimes taken for granted. We, as women, can feed our children and nourish their growth just from our bodies which carried and birthed them.
It’s especially crazy when you actually think about it in the context of our highly modernized society. As I tap away on my iPhone and revel in everything that it provides me at my finger tips, it’s really only what is natural in this world that we need in order to survive. I just have to ask Siri what poisonous berries to avoid picking.

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