Child Psychology

Again I feel ill-equipped as a mother. Is it just me or is everyone else this insecure about motherhood? I feel like I’m constantly second guessing, plotting, trying to stay one step ahead. All in a great effort to not stunt my children in any way. Sometimes I think I should give up and realize I’m going to fuck them up in some way. This is not the time though.
While we were meeting the surgeons yesterday I asked extensive questions about scarring. Partly because I’m worried about it for myself and my own self image and confidence, but in large part for what the images of my breasts will be like for my girls. What do I say happened? They (at least the older one) will know there’s a difference. Or do I start changing in front of them like I did in front of my peers in the locker room before middle school gym? Furthermore, I wanted to know if my scars will show up in a bathing suit. Even if my kids become accustomed to seeing my less than normal boobs, what would happen if one of their friends saw while I was in a bathing suit and pointed it out or, God forbid, made fun of my girls for my appearance. That would make us all feel awful. And still further, as my husband said, if we tell them that we cut off the old boobs because there was something wrong with them but don’t worry Mommy got new ones, would they think it’s ok to cut something off of themselves because you can simply replace it?
So many questions and concerns, no answers. My older daughter’s school packet came in the mail yesterday. There is a ton of stuff to fill out, one of which is an update sheet listing several big changes that could have occurred for a child. Loss of friend due to move, check. Surgery, check. Addition to the family, check. In the past year, she’s been through quite a bit and she has more to come. So I left a message today for our pediatrician asking for the name of a child psychologist. Someone has to have a better idea of how we can approach this without causing even more damage to a little girl. Again, at the moment, my engineering degree is doing shit for me. I should have slept then instead of pulling all-nighters in the lab. Especially because I’m still pulling all-nighters now too.

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