Shark Wrangling

If you’ve been reading this blog throughout the summer, you’re well aware of a few things already. One of which is that I’ve given the responsibility of tv programming in our household over to my husband. This has been really great in several ways. He feels like he’s in control… at least of the remote (little victories are important, right guys?). We’ve watched the same show at the same time, together (instead of him giving up on the Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit and going to watch Sports Center in the bedroom). And finally, I feel like I’m halfway to a degree in marine biology and we haven’t even started Shark Week yet!
One of his new favorite shows is called Shark Wranglers. It’s about a team of guys (who aren’t too shabby on the eyes I might add) that go out cruising for sharks off the coast of South Africa. They reel them in, then place them on a platform that lifts them out of the water while they tag them, probe them, weigh them and name them and then release them back into the wild and collect data on them. They have to do all of that within a certain number of minutes so the sharks don’t die out of the water. One of the tagging devices adheres to the creature by literally drilling a hole through its dorsal fin and attaching it with bolts. Bio lesson over, onto psychology.
What does this actually do to the poor shark’s self confidence and sense of identity? What are its hydrodynamics like now that it’s got a piece of machinery strapped to it? Does it make the shark feel less like a shark? Back to me.
When my new boobs are bolted onto me, will I feel less like a woman? What kind of hydrodynamics will I have? Will I float? Will my kids lean up against me and feel uncomfortable like there are lumpy tennis balls sticking into them? Will this make me less comforting to them?
I suppose all of these questions will be answered in time, for the shark and for me. I feel a certain sense of choicelessness about this surgery, despite it being totally my choice. Maybe after I pick a plastic surgeon and a date I’ll feel a bit more in control about it. I mean, I’m better off than the shark. She had no say in the matter at all.

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