Procrastination

I was never really one to procrastinate. I don’t like the feeling of some to-do hanging over my head. At times, this impending surgery can feel like that. Then I start thinking, “well, I really don’t HAVE to do this now, I could wait and put it off a little”. I know I won’t do that, but it’s sort of a fantasy.
When is the right time? I suppose it’s now before I have to face cancer and everything that comes with that. Decisions are far easier to make when things are black and white: you have cancer, you need surgery. My situation isn’t exactly a gray area though. I know that one day I will get cancer. I know I’m going to go through with the surgery as planned in September, but as the heat of summer blazes on, I realize the chill of fall is not far.
I used to love the post Labor Day feeling of school starting. Thinking about new notebooks, pens filled with ink, a new year laid out in front of me. Potential to accomplish something great (although I quickly became complacent and was happy with my own mediocrity). But now, I’m trying to stay in the moment and enjoy summer and throwing my girls high up in the air while they splash and giggle in the pool. I won’t be able to do that for a while. As I see my little one get closer and closer to pushing herself up to stand, I think that was a milestone I was waiting for as a green light for surgery. I want her to be walking before I go under because I won’t be able to pick her up. It was easier to be brave when the date seemed so far away.
I have to remind myself to stay in the moment and enjoy life now. I still have time to procrastinate and relish in feeling good in my own skin for now. Even if that means rocking a bikini with my current saggies.

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