My Day with Tina Fey

Well not really. I actually spent the day feeling like I was in Roswell, complete with probing (from an IV drip in my arm, get your mind out of the gutter). Today I had my first breast MRI and mammogram. I had to change my appointment to 5 days earlier than I had expected because my husband’s job is really THAT demanding.
I didn’t want to ask anyone to spend their day sitting in waiting rooms with me, but many thanks to the many friends who offered or were willing to go with me. The tests themselves took about 45 minutes to perform. I was there for over 5 hours. Ideally, I would have loved spending this time with my husband. It is really helpful to have a friend to distract you from the anticipation. (enter Tina). She was there with me the whole day and proved a hilariously delightful distraction. Her witty, inappropriate humor and anecdotal advice on work, motherhood, marriage, etc. felt like I was having a really fabulous, albeit one-sided, conversation with a friend. Maybe it’s my over active imagination or the hallucinogens they put in the IV instead of dye, but it felt like she was there with me. I was really just reading her book, of course. I started to get a little nervous when they told me I was going to have an IV for the MRI (why I didn’t think that was going to happen is beyond me. I know that they do that for an MRI. I guess I blocked that thought out) but I picked up Bossypants and was totally at ease.
I couldn’t bring my book into the actual MRI with me so I had to find another way to calm myself so I didn’t move an inch for the half hour it took to do the test. They had me lie face down with my head in one of those padded ovals they use on massage tables. Except this massage table had two holes for my boobs to be suspended like parallel flying discs. I felt like Blake Lively must have felt when she flew next to Ryan Reynolds in the movie the Green Lantern. It’s exactly like that with the same amount of glamour and weird space noises. So they slid me back into a tube and I thought, “Maybe I will just snooze because, hey, this is the longest I’ve gotten to lay still with my eyes closed during the day since before my kids were born. I may as well make the most of it”. Usually, the thing that wakes me from a light daytime slumber is my 2 year old’s claws prying my eyelids open, “mommy wake up, mommy, mommy” not only reminding me that I can’t sleep on the job but also that I have to cut her fingernails because they feel like daggers in my eyes. This time it was the machine’s rhythmic beeping that made me feel like someone was trying, desperately, unsuccessfully to make music with variously tuned foghorns. Do not get an MRI if you have a hangover!! After a while, I got used to the noise and once again enjoyed the peace of my body laying in one spot for a half an hour.
Then it was on to another waiting room. I have to say, this hospital had a very spa-like feel. They play peaceful music, portray beautiful images on tv screens and have private waiting areas with comfy chairs. So Tina and I got to laugh a little bit more “together” and then I went in for the mammogram.
I have heard all sorts of things about mammograms being super painful and horrible. Luckily, not at all for me! Maybe it’s that my boobs have lost all of their luster and have been reduced to pancakes after breast feeding two babies, but they took to the flattening quite well. Maybe they felt at home in their natural flapjackish shape? It was a little uncomfortable but I just popped out two kids. Being 9 months pregnant is uncomfortable. 5 minutes of this is like having a 5 hour massage compared to that! They put a metal apron on me right under my boobs so I felt like Jenna Elfman when she hangs her boobs over a washboard in Krippendorf’s Tribe. Then the tech warmed up the griddle and slapped them on there. She brought the medieval torture device down, kersplat! (to borrow my oldest’s favorite word from the book The Giant Jam Sandwich – I guess my boobs were the jam?) No biggie, although now I’m starving and am going to have to find the nearest diner.
The last rendezvous was getting to second base with the surgeon. She felt me up thoroughly and said my boobs and my mammogram results were normal!!!!! Phew! (Big sigh of relief.) Although the MRI results won’t be done until tomorrow afternoon, she anticipated good results there too! Hooray! So as I walk out of here (not to return for another 4 months), I’m feeling like a warrior. Strong and fearless; for I was brave and faced my cancerous enemy chest held high (well as high as they can go). I can ride my valiant steed back to my loved ones and rejoice with dancing, merriment, and a feast for a queen. Or at least, I’m on one of the spankin’ new metro north trains, I will probably dance to the Princess and the Frog soundtrack and we might heat up some toddler fish sticks. It all sounds pretty friggin’ sweet to me!!

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